I dreamed a dream

I had a dream last night. And it was sad.

I had suffered a great loss and felt like I couldn't go on. And then he showed up. He whom I so deeply care for and as I came into him for comfort he whispered his voice full of emotion, "you are so beautiful". But it was a comment that had nothing to do with how I looked, but rather how he saw me internally. He saw that I was trying to be strong but I needed someone because inside I was so broken. And I could tell that as we understood each other. He cried with me. He understood and knew how deep I had been injured and he was there.

While it was sad, it was beautiful.

Many paths have opened...

Sometimes little gems come out of the woodwork. The more you live the more you learn and you see what you were so blind to in the beginning. Those comments you made judging the thing that you now care for stab you and you see how you must repent right away. No one wants to hear how the thing they love is flawed. Only you can learn that for yourself. You see how people change and now one day you are in love with your best friend. Not saying that this is relevant to me today, but think about it. Has that ever happened to you?

I think of many instances where a person does not impress me. But months down the road they have changed, or maybe I have changed, or a combination of the two, and you see potential. You see hope. You have faith once again. And you apply forgiveness. I think it's an interesting thing to use forgiveness in that sense. A person makes a mistake. You part ways. And then you are back together having forgiven the mistake they had made in the past because they are different. And that's how the Atonement can change us. Second, and third, and fourth, and infinite chances as long as they exhibit godly sorrow.

I want someone who inspires me to be better. I want someone that will choose Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ above all else. I want someone who is genuine and has a good heart. I want someone deeper than what the world is offering us. And how will I find him? I will be the best version of myself that I can be.

Forgiveness and understanding are essential to being our best selves because, well, when I get hurt I don't really want anything to do with the person who hurt me. What I have learned is my agency is more powerful than those emotions. As I think about it, I can choose to be happy for the boy that chose another girl. Perhaps they fulfill needs of each other where I could not. I am not unworthy, I just am not the puzzle piece that fits there. Or perhaps I have found someone that expresses feelings for me but I cannot return them, I can be sensitive to such things and encourage them to be their best. Regardless of what life throws at us, our agency is more powerful than anything else. Perhaps that is why Satan is so key on destroying it?

Gems come out of the woodwork the more we live and choose and act. I'm starting to see things unravel and opportunities are arising. For all my blessings I am grateful to my Savior, Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father, who have done all of this in order to bring me home refined and true. Next time you are hurt, think about the bigger picture. There's always a better way.

The flame is still dancing

Sometimes I like to pretend I am in love with my best friend, who right now doesn't exist. I do it because I like the way it feels to be in love with him. It gives me hope and reminds me that that is the most important thing to me. To love and to be loved in return is the greatest thing I could ever learn and do. I miss this part of me. I miss expressing myself through music and words and I miss finding parts of me from others' passion.

I think about him lying on the bed watching me get ready for the day, smiling because he loves me for me. I don't have to hide behind layers of makeup or hot irons. I can wear sweats and still feel beautiful because all he wants is to be with me.

I'm not ashamed of love. I'm not ashamed of wanting it. In my culture, it is hard to be my age and not be dating just yet. It's not that I don't want to. But I will know when he comes. I will smile and cheer at weddings. I will be happy for those that are happy. I will continue to show people of the love God has for them and how there is still so much ahead of us.

I am writing my story. And I trust Him.

So, sometimes I pretend to have something I don't. But it'll be all that greater when I do have him.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn to just to love and be loved in return.

Into the night

My heart hurts tonight. I haven't even seen you today. That hole that you had filled is open again. By now I'm usually running back to you, but I can't anymore. That hole has to be filled by something else... someone else. But it hurts, and I'm lost. I can't find light at the other end of the tunnel. And sometimes I doubt and ask myself, "will I ever be able to love like that again? Will anyone ever love me like I need them to?"

Break thus far

Always be prepared to play with fire.

Haha, well, sort of. Coming home from school has been interesting. I'm definitely learning a lot about myself and have realized that after this break, I am going to be busy busy busy for the remainder of the year. School, internship, work (here's to hoping!!!), and then school again in the fall.

I've been chatting with DoveLewis emergency animal hospital and they've agreed to take me for a 2 month internship. Now, I'm not super familiar with this hospital having only taken our own critters there a few times, but my plan is to sharpen my skills as a vet tech and learn how to work in a faster-paced setting. I figure if I can work there, I could work anywhere.

Plus, I'm currently applying to be an EFY counselor for the remainder of the summer after my internship! During my whole mission and then some people have come up to me and said, "you should be an EFY counselor!" So I said to myself, "let's try it". I absolutely love the youth, especially in the Church. They bring new perspective and are just fun. I remember when I was a youth I was looking for a role model, mentor, big sibling... just to have someone I could learn from that understood more of my circumstances. It came in the form of the Church which was perfect. Now I can take my experiences and my talents and hope and pray I can help someone else out. Out at school I got to be a Get Connected leader and rep a couple years ago, which is basically like freshmen orientation, and just fell in love. I love to serve.

Which brings me to my rave about my day the other day. Staying up way too late the previous night I wake up with 30 minutes to prepare for a full day. I go visiting teaching with Mom and I felt like I was on my mission again. Can you say LOVE? Next, a trip to the temple. We see a wedding going on before our session and people waiting for a wedding after our session. And the Portland temple is just gorgeous. Next, I get dropped off at the mall to meet up with my roommate who came into town for the day and her friend. We talk, we eat, and they drop me off at a baby shower. Which usually is just blan, but this one was hilarious. I won the bottle-sucking race. I don't really know what it was called, but they gave us all little plastic milk bottles full of milk and I was the first to down it. That ended my night but it was just good to be busy.

I head out of town next week with a full vehicle. I'm hoping the car makes it. I have an appointment to take it into the shop to get a few things tweeked and then I heard last night there's about a foot of snow on the ground at school. Yay.... I believe in miracles!

Life is glorious! I'm trying to write more because I like to see my life documented. It provides proof that I'm progressing. Or if I'm not, it provides reason to be better.

Humanity, empathy

There are many times in my life where I'm given ample time to ponder. Mostly it comes when I have time to myself. Reflecting if you will, whether it be on a drive into town or in the shower. I think pondering, wondering, thinking, analyzing, even worrying comes naturally to every human being, but with that comes joy and hope.

This Christmas was wonderful. Being my first Christmas home since after my LDS mission, I continue to be grateful for many things. My family loves me unconditionally which is a miracle for what a brat I can be. I always find love here.

This Christmas, Santa brought me a Yamaha Keyboard: 76 weighted keys and loads of opportunity. Also, a couple guitars found their way out of the corner and have been a bonding item for Dad and me. Surfing through YouTube gave me lots of memories of songs from my past that I loved from Disney stars like Joe Jonas, Miley Cyrus, and Demi Lovato. Call me cheesy but I enjoy the message and melody of some of those songs.

Anyway, long story short, I saw music change (isn't that our goal anyway?) me tonight on this wonderful white Christmas. What has the world ... or more correctly, what has God offered me that helps define who I am? Let's see if I can put it into context. In reality, so many experiences and people develop me but this is fun for me to look back and see what has happened.

1. My Faith and Testimony. To keep me grounded and guided.

 2. Music and writing. To express myself.

 3. People. Specifically family and close friends. To help me feel human and whole.

 4. Education. For a powerful mind.

 5. Opportunity. To be self-reliant and a part of the surrounding community.

 6. Freedom. To work and to dream.

 7. Strength of body. To not only grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually but physically.

8. Joy. Our purpose for life.

Oh... no picture? Imagine everlasting joy. It'll come.

My invitation to you is to look down deep inside of yourself and discover more of who you are. If you are willing to work, fail, and work some more, I know there is more inside of you just waiting to be found. 

That's the beauty of the human soul; 

we're not finished just yet.

Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them

Sometimes when I see a wheat field, my heart stops a little bit and I feel this wave of emotion. I can't always explain just what comes; whether it be happy, or sad, or somewhere lost in between. Sometimes I feel like my heart fails me. But just as Elder Nelson testifies, I am so grateful for the strength that the gospel of Jesus Christ brings. There was a part in the video where a man sits on a grassy hill just pondering. I like doing that. It's one of my favorite things. Do you ever ponder on grassy hills? Or perhaps you have a sacred grove?

Song lyrics

There's this thing that I do
When I fall in love with you
I have a hard time ever letting you go
So you can be with the one you know

The importance of my connection diminished
In my own head they are almost finished
I hurt so deep and I can't escape my mind
So here's my shot this is what I'll find

I can understand what hope is for
Walking these streets get warmer and warmer
A grin sneaks past the scars
And the promise kept is found within the stars


Love is perfect sacrifice
the hurt won't last forever
faith keeps my head above water
One foot in front of the other
and one day I'll find mine


There's this thing that I do
When I fall in love with you

There's this thing that I'll do
When I fall in love with you

A Perfect Day

I ♥ Toyota, marinara sauce, and rain. That epic moment where you think your car is about to need a new transmission due to performance trouble and a check engine light but then the tech guy finds that whoever installed your air filter installed it upside down and backwards and it was causing all your issues and now your car runs excellent and your roommate makes awesome little pizza rolls and you dip them in marinara sauce and that makes your taste buds happy and it rains in Idaho to remind you of Oregon. Yep, that epic moment.

Don't Disappoint

My wave of departing missionaries.

Another wave of missionaries are being released from the MIM this week. One or two have already shown up on facebook. Others I'm still trying to get a hold of.

My heart kind of ached when I saw those pictures. I miss being apart of something so great. I miss having heaven's help with something eternal. I miss the relationships that I found and built there. One of my great friends and recent converts from the mission recently contacted me and said she was thinking about me. Many others from that part of the country have shown me that love. My heart melted.

But then, my mind wondered to this one show I enjoy watching from time to time. I watched a few episodes of it last night just to wind down from a crazy week. Two episodes had something jump out at me and they were related. One line said this:

You have greatness within you. Don't disappoint.

"You will be the greatest surgeon of your generation. I knew that the moment I saw you."

I may not be an aspiring surgeon, but I am an aspiring veterinary technician. I realized I have sinned in the fact that I could be doing much more to strive to be the best I can and to reach the potential in me. Simply because I am a daughter of God and have the power to accomplish great things. Not just in my career choice, but as a student. A friend. A family member. A member of the LDS faith. A community member. A United States citizen.

Next time you think you don't measure up, repeat that line. And believe it. Let us rise to this great expectation and show the world what we have to offer. "Hold up your light that it may shine unto the world" (3 Nephi 18:24).

I hope you believe that. I hope you know it. It's okay to forget. We are human. But never give up. Never walk away from something you are gifted for. Success is getting up each time we fall.

BYU-Idaho: Are You Coming?

I am already here.

This is my education.

And I am proud to be a part of this family.