I dreamed a dream

I had a dream last night. And it was sad.

I had suffered a great loss and felt like I couldn't go on. And then he showed up. He whom I so deeply care for and as I came into him for comfort he whispered his voice full of emotion, "you are so beautiful". But it was a comment that had nothing to do with how I looked, but rather how he saw me internally. He saw that I was trying to be strong but I needed someone because inside I was so broken. And I could tell that as we understood each other. He cried with me. He understood and knew how deep I had been injured and he was there.

While it was sad, it was beautiful.

Many paths have opened...

Sometimes little gems come out of the woodwork. The more you live the more you learn and you see what you were so blind to in the beginning. Those comments you made judging the thing that you now care for stab you and you see how you must repent right away. No one wants to hear how the thing they love is flawed. Only you can learn that for yourself. You see how people change and now one day you are in love with your best friend. Not saying that this is relevant to me today, but think about it. Has that ever happened to you?

I think of many instances where a person does not impress me. But months down the road they have changed, or maybe I have changed, or a combination of the two, and you see potential. You see hope. You have faith once again. And you apply forgiveness. I think it's an interesting thing to use forgiveness in that sense. A person makes a mistake. You part ways. And then you are back together having forgiven the mistake they had made in the past because they are different. And that's how the Atonement can change us. Second, and third, and fourth, and infinite chances as long as they exhibit godly sorrow.

I want someone who inspires me to be better. I want someone that will choose Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ above all else. I want someone who is genuine and has a good heart. I want someone deeper than what the world is offering us. And how will I find him? I will be the best version of myself that I can be.

Forgiveness and understanding are essential to being our best selves because, well, when I get hurt I don't really want anything to do with the person who hurt me. What I have learned is my agency is more powerful than those emotions. As I think about it, I can choose to be happy for the boy that chose another girl. Perhaps they fulfill needs of each other where I could not. I am not unworthy, I just am not the puzzle piece that fits there. Or perhaps I have found someone that expresses feelings for me but I cannot return them, I can be sensitive to such things and encourage them to be their best. Regardless of what life throws at us, our agency is more powerful than anything else. Perhaps that is why Satan is so key on destroying it?

Gems come out of the woodwork the more we live and choose and act. I'm starting to see things unravel and opportunities are arising. For all my blessings I am grateful to my Savior, Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father, who have done all of this in order to bring me home refined and true. Next time you are hurt, think about the bigger picture. There's always a better way.

The flame is still dancing

Sometimes I like to pretend I am in love with my best friend, who right now doesn't exist. I do it because I like the way it feels to be in love with him. It gives me hope and reminds me that that is the most important thing to me. To love and to be loved in return is the greatest thing I could ever learn and do. I miss this part of me. I miss expressing myself through music and words and I miss finding parts of me from others' passion.

I think about him lying on the bed watching me get ready for the day, smiling because he loves me for me. I don't have to hide behind layers of makeup or hot irons. I can wear sweats and still feel beautiful because all he wants is to be with me.

I'm not ashamed of love. I'm not ashamed of wanting it. In my culture, it is hard to be my age and not be dating just yet. It's not that I don't want to. But I will know when he comes. I will smile and cheer at weddings. I will be happy for those that are happy. I will continue to show people of the love God has for them and how there is still so much ahead of us.

I am writing my story. And I trust Him.

So, sometimes I pretend to have something I don't. But it'll be all that greater when I do have him.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn to just to love and be loved in return.

Into the night

My heart hurts tonight. I haven't even seen you today. That hole that you had filled is open again. By now I'm usually running back to you, but I can't anymore. That hole has to be filled by something else... someone else. But it hurts, and I'm lost. I can't find light at the other end of the tunnel. And sometimes I doubt and ask myself, "will I ever be able to love like that again? Will anyone ever love me like I need them to?"

Break thus far

Always be prepared to play with fire.

Haha, well, sort of. Coming home from school has been interesting. I'm definitely learning a lot about myself and have realized that after this break, I am going to be busy busy busy for the remainder of the year. School, internship, work (here's to hoping!!!), and then school again in the fall.

I've been chatting with DoveLewis emergency animal hospital and they've agreed to take me for a 2 month internship. Now, I'm not super familiar with this hospital having only taken our own critters there a few times, but my plan is to sharpen my skills as a vet tech and learn how to work in a faster-paced setting. I figure if I can work there, I could work anywhere.

Plus, I'm currently applying to be an EFY counselor for the remainder of the summer after my internship! During my whole mission and then some people have come up to me and said, "you should be an EFY counselor!" So I said to myself, "let's try it". I absolutely love the youth, especially in the Church. They bring new perspective and are just fun. I remember when I was a youth I was looking for a role model, mentor, big sibling... just to have someone I could learn from that understood more of my circumstances. It came in the form of the Church which was perfect. Now I can take my experiences and my talents and hope and pray I can help someone else out. Out at school I got to be a Get Connected leader and rep a couple years ago, which is basically like freshmen orientation, and just fell in love. I love to serve.

Which brings me to my rave about my day the other day. Staying up way too late the previous night I wake up with 30 minutes to prepare for a full day. I go visiting teaching with Mom and I felt like I was on my mission again. Can you say LOVE? Next, a trip to the temple. We see a wedding going on before our session and people waiting for a wedding after our session. And the Portland temple is just gorgeous. Next, I get dropped off at the mall to meet up with my roommate who came into town for the day and her friend. We talk, we eat, and they drop me off at a baby shower. Which usually is just blan, but this one was hilarious. I won the bottle-sucking race. I don't really know what it was called, but they gave us all little plastic milk bottles full of milk and I was the first to down it. That ended my night but it was just good to be busy.

I head out of town next week with a full vehicle. I'm hoping the car makes it. I have an appointment to take it into the shop to get a few things tweeked and then I heard last night there's about a foot of snow on the ground at school. Yay.... I believe in miracles!

Life is glorious! I'm trying to write more because I like to see my life documented. It provides proof that I'm progressing. Or if I'm not, it provides reason to be better.

Humanity, empathy

There are many times in my life where I'm given ample time to ponder. Mostly it comes when I have time to myself. Reflecting if you will, whether it be on a drive into town or in the shower. I think pondering, wondering, thinking, analyzing, even worrying comes naturally to every human being, but with that comes joy and hope.

This Christmas was wonderful. Being my first Christmas home since after my LDS mission, I continue to be grateful for many things. My family loves me unconditionally which is a miracle for what a brat I can be. I always find love here.

This Christmas, Santa brought me a Yamaha Keyboard: 76 weighted keys and loads of opportunity. Also, a couple guitars found their way out of the corner and have been a bonding item for Dad and me. Surfing through YouTube gave me lots of memories of songs from my past that I loved from Disney stars like Joe Jonas, Miley Cyrus, and Demi Lovato. Call me cheesy but I enjoy the message and melody of some of those songs.

Anyway, long story short, I saw music change (isn't that our goal anyway?) me tonight on this wonderful white Christmas. What has the world ... or more correctly, what has God offered me that helps define who I am? Let's see if I can put it into context. In reality, so many experiences and people develop me but this is fun for me to look back and see what has happened.

1. My Faith and Testimony. To keep me grounded and guided.

 2. Music and writing. To express myself.

 3. People. Specifically family and close friends. To help me feel human and whole.

 4. Education. For a powerful mind.

 5. Opportunity. To be self-reliant and a part of the surrounding community.

 6. Freedom. To work and to dream.

 7. Strength of body. To not only grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually but physically.

8. Joy. Our purpose for life.

Oh... no picture? Imagine everlasting joy. It'll come.

My invitation to you is to look down deep inside of yourself and discover more of who you are. If you are willing to work, fail, and work some more, I know there is more inside of you just waiting to be found. 

That's the beauty of the human soul; 

we're not finished just yet.

Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them

Sometimes when I see a wheat field, my heart stops a little bit and I feel this wave of emotion. I can't always explain just what comes; whether it be happy, or sad, or somewhere lost in between. Sometimes I feel like my heart fails me. But just as Elder Nelson testifies, I am so grateful for the strength that the gospel of Jesus Christ brings. There was a part in the video where a man sits on a grassy hill just pondering. I like doing that. It's one of my favorite things. Do you ever ponder on grassy hills? Or perhaps you have a sacred grove?

Song lyrics

There's this thing that I do
When I fall in love with you
I have a hard time ever letting you go
So you can be with the one you know

The importance of my connection diminished
In my own head they are almost finished
I hurt so deep and I can't escape my mind
So here's my shot this is what I'll find

I can understand what hope is for
Walking these streets get warmer and warmer
A grin sneaks past the scars
And the promise kept is found within the stars


Love is perfect sacrifice
the hurt won't last forever
faith keeps my head above water
One foot in front of the other
and one day I'll find mine


There's this thing that I do
When I fall in love with you

There's this thing that I'll do
When I fall in love with you

A Perfect Day

I ♥ Toyota, marinara sauce, and rain. That epic moment where you think your car is about to need a new transmission due to performance trouble and a check engine light but then the tech guy finds that whoever installed your air filter installed it upside down and backwards and it was causing all your issues and now your car runs excellent and your roommate makes awesome little pizza rolls and you dip them in marinara sauce and that makes your taste buds happy and it rains in Idaho to remind you of Oregon. Yep, that epic moment.

Don't Disappoint

My wave of departing missionaries.

Another wave of missionaries are being released from the MIM this week. One or two have already shown up on facebook. Others I'm still trying to get a hold of.

My heart kind of ached when I saw those pictures. I miss being apart of something so great. I miss having heaven's help with something eternal. I miss the relationships that I found and built there. One of my great friends and recent converts from the mission recently contacted me and said she was thinking about me. Many others from that part of the country have shown me that love. My heart melted.

But then, my mind wondered to this one show I enjoy watching from time to time. I watched a few episodes of it last night just to wind down from a crazy week. Two episodes had something jump out at me and they were related. One line said this:

You have greatness within you. Don't disappoint.

"You will be the greatest surgeon of your generation. I knew that the moment I saw you."

I may not be an aspiring surgeon, but I am an aspiring veterinary technician. I realized I have sinned in the fact that I could be doing much more to strive to be the best I can and to reach the potential in me. Simply because I am a daughter of God and have the power to accomplish great things. Not just in my career choice, but as a student. A friend. A family member. A member of the LDS faith. A community member. A United States citizen.

Next time you think you don't measure up, repeat that line. And believe it. Let us rise to this great expectation and show the world what we have to offer. "Hold up your light that it may shine unto the world" (3 Nephi 18:24).

I hope you believe that. I hope you know it. It's okay to forget. We are human. But never give up. Never walk away from something you are gifted for. Success is getting up each time we fall.

BYU-Idaho: Are You Coming?

I am already here.

This is my education.

And I am proud to be a part of this family.

I am happy

For the first time since I've been home, I can confidently say "I am happy".
Coming home was so difficult and I still struggle every once in awhile. Life is not meant to be easy. We make choices that bring joy, shame, sorrow, or questions. I finally decided to embrace what I have and hope for greater things to come.

These last couple days have been awesome, too. Tuesday I had my big lab midterm for anatomy and physiology and I had studied so hard for it. I got a 99%!! I was so stoked! I've been happier and in turn am treating people better (yay!). Had an ultimate frisbee game and dominated. Making new friends. Went to the temple. Jeans that used to fit tightly fit better now. Life is so good.

One thing that has really been a major blessing in my life is the chance to magnify my calling. I still need to figure out a service project for the relief society (any ideas anyone?) and get to know the girls more, but it seems like Heavenly Father has put people in my path for me to learn from and to serve. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I love feeling like this. I love having hope and optimism. I love my major. I love life's mercies. I love that Dove Lewis Hospital is willing to take me for my internship this spring. I love that my parents are my friends. I love that I have a job and that I'm super stressed from being so busy. I LOVE IT.

I guess this is a post about how grateful I am. And one thing that has me really going is that blessing that I can still see the Lord's hand in my life on a daily basis. Nothing better.

We had a devotional the other day and Elder Koeliker from the 1st Quorum of the 70 came to speak to us. He spoke about change. And what I thought was so great was how he presented change. He taught that when one learns something, a permanent change comes about. And what hit me was this thought from the Holy Ghost as he spoke: "We must always be changing to be learning anything". That's where the gift of agency comes in and how we have to actively use our agency to change... to learn. Ponder, search, read, pray, act, open our scriptures, talk to that person, smile when we hurt. Elder Koelliker showed a video from one of his assignments in Africa about a bunch of people traveling 15 hours by bus to be blessed by temple ordinances for the first time. The joy on their face was indescribable. I wept as I watched that video because it was so true. The temple is what matters. Some people even here on this BYU campus don't get it. But through prayers and actions Heavenly Father has blessed me with people to serve and share my testimony with. I know the Savior lives. I know the Holy Ghost is abundant as we do the right thing.

Just remember how beautiful life is and embrace what's in front of you. I can promise you there's joy to be found.

I have the power

Do you ever think about what your purpose is? Not "yours" as in the human race, but "yours" personally? I do all the time. I wonder what I'm supposed to do and what path I'm supposed to be on. I feel that for the most part I have been extremely blessed to know where to be most of my life. But the future can be daunting without a lot of faith and hope.

I will probably refer to my mission a lot as I start to get back into the swing of things, but I had a total of eight companions. I love them all so very much and learned something unique about myself from all of them. They've inspired me, questioned my motives, and given me something to chew on.

One companion in particular had this incredible work ethic. She wasn't so quick in her step, but more consistent in everything she did. She worked hard and persevered to accomplish what she wanted to do. I have always been a faster paced individual with not a lot of endurance.

Coming off my mission I discovered something about my companion. Basically her life before I met her. And even miles away she still gets my juices pumping.

I have so many things I wish to accomplish. There are things I can control and now I have to decide what to do with my time.

An Elder on the mission told me once that he hopes that we spend our time lifting and encouraging others, setting the pace for the rest of our lives. He went on to say that time will always pass and it's up to us on how we will use that time. I'm surrounded by thousands of young adults day to day and everyone is doing something different. Honestly, I only see the surface but I see a lot of time on cell phones, facebook, flirting but no commitments... I find it superficial. But now it's up to me to make a choice. It's time to be perseverant like my companion taught me by her example. So... what can I do?

I've prayed and feel good about pursuing a career in veterinary technology, which is nursing for animals. I find the medical field fascinating and have a deep love for animals and a great respect for the compassion they teach and show us. I can be great at that if I choose to be.

At school there is not an opportunity for participating on a sports team. But I can better my health. I can exercise by playing the sport I love, really live the word of wisdom, and get to a place that I feel good about my hard work.

My dad so graciously sent me out his super nice guitar for me to practice on. I have been at this for maybe 4 weeks, but I have the ability to work and succeed.

Will I?

I want to. It all starts with a desire. Stay tuned. I printed out my findings about my companion and will venture to hang the article on my wall. My love and respect for her will lead me to do great things.

Healthy living?

To me, life is about beauty and discovering the beauty that lies within all of us as the human family. I choose not to spend time on things where I can't see that beauty.

Being home from being a missionary has opened my eyes to many things. One: people are not going to hell because they live a certain way right now. Two: Faith, hope, and charity will really get you through anything. And three: Life is beautiful. Not to mention countless others.

Currently, minutes before walking onto campus to catch my student ward, we were asked to tag teach teach the Word of Wisdom to the Relief Society. I am filled with gratitude for such an opportunity! There are the normal scriptures that everyone pulls out in D&C 89. What about D&C 93? About receiving truth and light through obedience to the commandments? Or Mosiah 2:41, where we are blessed in all things, both temporally and spiritually as we keep the commandments of God? Or D&C 88:124 about getting enough rest? We just did a project in my religion class on this very commandment. I know that it is a commandment from God. When you take care of what you have, it lasts longer and you just feel so much better! I gain confidence in healthy eating, enough sleep, and regular exercise. And then we must remember why we do these things...

D&C 29:34 - Wherefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal; neither any man, nor the children of men; neither Adam, your father, whom I created.

Do things to make your spirit happy, not simply just your body.

Anyway, I've discovered I need to enrich my spirit more. Writing helps in that process. So.... I'm back!

Blessings Abroad

I have returned home from my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I had an experience that I will never forget. Now I am off for even more great things that I know are waiting for me. It is a blessing to have a knowledge of Jesus Christ as my Savior. Stay tuned for updates from the mish and civilian life.

It's time.

Hey there, ladies and gents!

Thank you for your support for so long. You still tickle me in the fact that you read this silly thing of mine.

I'm off on a new adventure for a while. I have been called on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to Independence, Missouri. I will be gone from March 2, 2011, and will return home to Oregon some time in August 2012.

I'm inviting you to stay tuned with what I'll be up to! Please visit this blog: Sister Victoria Moore

You can even write to me, too! There are addresses up that you can use. I also have a little bit of information up about the area I'll be serving in for the next 18 months.

So this blog will not be updated.

Thank you again. I'll see you around!

Now

It’s only goodbye for a little while.

Thinking back to one of the saddest nights in my memory, I remember crawling around trying to not be a hindrance. It was 2.5 years ago now. He folded white shirts as his friend gave him advice. I sat in the corner, not wanting to be touched by anyone but him, but that wasn’t an option anymore. He had changed in those few hours, and the previous part of the day had really no effect on this night. Eventually, I had to go home. I said my goodbye, got in my car, and cried. As I drove away, I look towards the glass window of his front door, and I see him there, watching me, as if he had followed me to the door and waited until I was gone. I wasn’t to see him for two years.

I was sad. It took a couple months to get a hold of my emotions. I went to school. And I lived. I loved and my heart broke. I ran and I fell. I initiated and came in last. I learned and I gained. I gained so much knowledge from just putting myself out there and learning how other people felt, why the world works the way it does, how my own emotions functioned, and what I was really capable of doing and becoming.

He came back, and we grew together again; the best of friends.

Now, I’m leaving.

He came back to say goodbye. As we said our goodbye, I watched him walk away to go back to school through security. At several points, he turned around to find me, and I stayed there, watching him, until he was out of sight.

Now I’m in these short few days in between him and my next chapter. I got to talking with my mom on what I’m going to do with the next few years of my life. A fire started burning again. I feel alive. I miss him, but there’s something telling me it’s going to be okay. That he and I will never forget one another and who knows what more will take place.

I will work hard and be the best I can in Missouri. I will come home and go straight out to school with my car, housing in place, school schedule decided, and fire burning. I will work at school and I will work at making money and I will work at making something of myself. I will find love and will fall into it so deeply. I will dance again like a silly girl and I won’t care who sees me. And when I do get to this point, he and I will still be the best of friends.

Because we want to be.

It’s only goodbye for a little while.

In This Together

In This Together

Original song, by: Victoria Moore

2/15/11

Dedicated to my best friend.

Flash back to when they first met

Boy and girl just wading through

Black leather jacket and no smile from the boy

Little grey t-shirt and clouds in her eyes

She needed something, she needed him

Jump ahead to him coming home

Boy and girl still wading through

Silver dolphins and memories are always with the girl

Trust and hope stand groundless in his eyes

He needed something, he needed her

Let's go for a drive and see the stars

The lights in the distance tell a story

As we both look in this direction

We have always been in this together

Most important is this, this isn't done

She catches her breath and smiles

Knowing that she has something real and true

What a fool if she were to let go

What a fool they would be

Let's go for a drive and see the stars

The lights in the distance tell a story

As we both look in this direction

We have always been in this together

Now it's her turn, she must leave

Heavy hearts from the beginning

Know she loves you, so much, and always will

Because you loved her first

She needs something, she needs you

Let's go for a drive and see the stars

The lights in the distance tell a story

As we both look in this direction

We have always been in this together

Humidity or desert, miles apart

You grew to love her differently

Years young and always on your heart

We have always been in this together

(x2)

We have always been in this together

We will always be in this together

You can love a lot of people in this world. But there is always one that you love the most.