Discovery

I don’t know why I hurt so much tonight. My heart has a gaping hole in it and it aches. I had a fun night. I didn’t see anything that made me sad. I said my prayers. I am listening to uplifting music. I laughed. I was productive. I didn’t put myself in situations that were awkward or hard. Why do I hurt so much? I keep taking long, deep breaths and it helps, but it won’t vanish. I don’t understand. Is there someone that I care about, somewhere in the world, that hurts too, and I am feeling that pain? Am I worried about someone and I need to take action somewhere? Is this the spirit or is this myself? Are my hopes being turned against me tonight by Satan?

I have been told before that I have such a desire to love and to be loved that it is one of my most fragile traits. I have to be very careful when I give myself to someone because it is so deep. And when I get hurt, no one sees it. When someone is in an accident, everyone can feel their pain because it’s physical and it’s visible. Heartbreak doesn’t work like that. When you hurt, no one can see it, and so in a sense, society doesn’t allow you to show pain; you have no evidence. I’m supposed to hide it and come back to reality because love isn’t an excuse to hurt. Then you find people who see and understand that deeper level. They can relate, they can see, they can feel your hurt just by looking into your eyes. That is a talent that only few possess and I try to surround myself with people like that, because I feel safe.

And so, no one understands what is going on, because you can’t see it with the naked eye. And I try not to burden others because honestly, my life is wonderful. I love the opportunities that I am presented with daily and the people I keep close keep me sane. I love this path. I try to be the unconditional love that I hope to aspire to one day.

I was just thinking the other day about how no one really knows who I am except for one boy. No one but him knows my deepest fear, absolutely no one. Others could guess, but no one actually knows. I let him in very deep. He fell in love with me. And now he’s fulfilling other responsibilities. I just haven’t had a desire to share with anyone else what really goes on in my heart; to a detail, anyway. Because I'm strong enough to stand. I taught myself with the help of the spirit. I’m always willing to share a lot about myself and my life story to a certain level. After that, no one knows. Scary, huh?

I found a wad of brightly colored sticky notes in my selves the other day. I wrote down hopes, dreams, fears, opinions, and aspirations on them; one thought per note. They were hard to read because they were so deeply personal and had the potential to be scarring and I haven't been that sort of person since last fall. That's when I realized how I am changing and growing. It made me happy and hopeful.

The fact that I am even posting this on a public blog says that I am still willing to share my heart with others. But the fact that I don't go into detail about my fears still tells me that those are saved for something unique.

And so I’ve decided I hurt because she won. And because she won, more than just one heart hurts. But no one can see it, and because no one can see it, the few that are hurting keep together. Unfortunately, there will be no progress without risks. There will be no progress without knowledge. There will be no progress without action.

What will my action be? I don’t really know. But something has to change. Either that or I wait to become less fragile through experience and time. Good thing I wear a hat that reads 'Git-R-Done'.

And after releasing my thoughts, the hurt is gone.