I want to tell so many people so many things because I feel like I'm not being heard through just existing. I'm at a standstill. I want to help, I want to be included. I almost feel forgotten. No matter how much I give, I don't get anything in return really. I want those friendships back so badly... so so badly.
I went to Music Outlet tonight. It was fascinating. It's such a low key, casual atmosphere where the audience is completely supportive of whoever is on stage. Those performers were volunteers, for lack of a better term, singing out original pieces of music. I listened so hard to the lyrics, because their art is what is going to give them away more than anything. There were quite a few about love. While I really enjoyed that, it got me thinking. And how this relates, I really don't know, but I feel like because I'm not sharing my opinion and my thoughts, I'm being forgotten.
Looking back at other blog posts, this is the least positive post in a while. I've been really good. Now, sharing my opinion doesn't necessarily mean it's negative, but I have this mindset where if I tell what I'm thinking and it's not completely up-lifting, I'm just dragging people down. This quote describes me perfectly right now:
Friends go through so much and because they get so hurt, they shut down. I want so much to be able to be let in and help. How? I don't really know. But I do know human compassion is one of the best forms of making a day hundreds of times better. I want to see you smile. Forget about me then and there.
Honestly, my heart is broken. Not because the boy I loved is gone on his mission, or my best friend and brother has been gone for quite a while, but for much more uncommon reasons. There are people out there, that I could very easily pick up the phone and call right here and now, that I don't think realize or completely grasp how much I adore them, love them, am in love with them.
I fall in love with people very easily. People, not boys. Honestly, rejection is the one thing that hurts me the most. I want to give my all to the people I have given a part of my heart to. I gave them pieces of my heart because I see something in them that inspires me to be better. They may not realize it, or not want to, but when they won't even return a phone call... unfortunately I take it personally most of the time. Now, I realize that everyone has their own trials and events. I understand that life is never easy, and that priorities differ. And I do realize you may be sad about losing something, someone, so close to you that you want nothing more than to drop everything and give yourself to that situation. I've been there. In varying degrees, I do understand. I understand that perhaps, you don't trust me. You don't want to let me in. I understand that. Maybe at least tell me that it won't work out. Closure does help, believe it or not. I love communicating. I love heart to hearts. I love building bonds. And I love, absolutely love, when you smile.
I am and will always be standing right here, waiting. Always. I will drop my life and give you a piece of my time. I hope you can believe that. I will not judge you. I am simply waiting. Because you have your agency for a reason, and I am finally connecting with that realization.
I have always told people that I push them because I see potential in them that I want to shine. While this is true, I do it for selfish reasons, too. I wouldn't be giving you that much of my time if I wasn't inspired to do the same. I'm pulling for you; you should be pulling for me right back. Perhaps pushing is not the right term, but rather hoping and supporting, because love is how people change.
To those friends that I have come to love along the way:
I miss you. So much. And you don't even know.
I miss strengthening this bond. And you don't even know.
I miss your smile and the light in your eyes. And you don't even know.
I miss the way you make me laugh and feel good about myself. And you don't even know.
I miss the open conversation and the beginnings of trust. And you don't even know.
I miss your acceptance. And you don't even know.
I'm okay, but I sure do miss that life.
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