Different points of interest

So, there are these people, a small group of people, that I would lay down my life for. These people inspire me to become better. Some of them know they are in my group, some of them don't. The ones that don't I want to tell. Very badly. But I'm afraid of scaring them, because I did that once and they told me to stop. I don't like being told to stop giving my heart to someone. However, I have tried my best to respect their wishes in the best way I am learning how. Little does that person know they're still in my group. I just keep my love for them undercover. Which I really, really, really don't like, by the way. The undercover part, that is. I don't believe in it.

Anyway. This group. They are special to me. I see a light in them that shines through telling me that I have found something good. This good is sometimes easy to achieve. This good is sometimes rigorous. I want nothing more than to see the full potential of that good in full motion within that person. The best way I know how to do this is to talk. To trust. To laugh. To care. To sacrifice. And in doing so, I start to love them. It's like a friend of mine once told me; you really start to love someone when you pray for them.

Lately, I've been having some issues from the past come up in my mind. Some of these have been worked out, some have just become numb, and others still leave traces of doubt on me and I have to be honest. I really don't like it. But I don't like contention. I like communication, but some other people will become defensive if I try to communicate in the way I have learned how. Also, confronting it will bring no good. And I want the good to stay. I don't want bad to come out of it.

So what am I do to? Especially when family is gone half of the day and friends are miles away progressing in their own ways? I find myself overplaying music. I mind myself looking through a lot of pictures. And if you knew me well enough, this should scare you.

If you care about my mental state, anyway.

Here's a secret for you. One very close friend would always ask if I was "okay" when I entered a state of repeating music and familiar pictures. I answered "of course! I'm just reliving some old memories; I love looking at a picture and remembering everything about that day". They then replied "That's what worries me". Their response baffled me. So I started to talk, and to care, and I even laughed a little, in order to try and see their perspective. As they explained their reasoning, I understood their point of view. And it made sense enough that I wanted it; it was that good light shining through. Their reasoning? I was living in the past; looking backwards, and in that way I couldn't progress.

If it wasn't for their honest perspective and care, I would not have progressed myself.

Back to "what am I suppose to do".
I pray. Praying is good I hear. I read scriptures. That's always fun. I go into town and try to find new things to keep me busy. I eat (bad, bad habit). I look for jobs that I'd actually wake up for and benefit from. I look for volunteer experiences. I try to keep up on chores. I try to be helpful to my family. And I hope. I hope a lot. Without that hope, I really think I'd be an emotional drama queen stuck in a black hole relying completely on other people to keep me sane.

I love people. People help me through life's tough ordeals. But people aren't always around, for various reasons whether desired or not. You know who is? Christ. And Father. And they give me hope. Hope that those people who are scared of my very aggressive form of friendship will still find a friend in me. Hope that those I love will find their ways and possibly love along the journey. Hope that my afflictions are only temporary. Hope that my potential of joy will be fulfilled one day.

Funny thing about hope: hope is defined differently within the gospel than it is in everyday conversation. According to the definition on lds.org, hope is classified as the following: "the confident expectation of and longing for the promised blessings of righteousness". Hope is an expectation. Cool, eh?

So I sit here. Waiting. As patient as I can muster. Thinking about that group of people who mean more than they will ever grasp. Longing to be able to sit down and just talk to them about things. About anything really. And let a part of my soul fly again. Their good shines through in any clean situation, and these are clean people. So they are always good.


To you few people that may or may not know who you are, I love you. I hope you believe me.