I'm a writer at heart, and my heart has been around for a while

There is another post under this... I always worry that readers miss multiple posts.

This was a paper I wrote back in February of 2009. I can't remember the assignment it was for, but this gives you an idea of how I think. I have changed my writing style a little bit as I think this paper is a little too dramatic in places, but you'll get the idea.


I often wonder from day to day why I still believe there is good and hope in all people. Especially in the dating world, you have to take a strong grasp of your emotions. When one believes that love conquers and heals all, they need to realize that it doesn’t last forever at our age. Just walking around campus here, you see students paired off walking hand in hand to class, home, to study, or just talking. You know, the classic college couple: fingers interlaced with one another, with the boy’s free hand in his jacket, while the girl’s is swinging freely as she glances up with a loved grin to meet his eyes in mid-conversation. Their pace compliments one another and occasionally you see them run into each other in their walking paths, just to show each other that they care. You can only see what the relationship is like on the surface. When it boils down to it, what makes a relationship ever-lasting? I can only relate my thoughts to my own experiences.


While out in Idaho for school, I attended the Get Connected program that the school puts on for first semester freshmen in order to meet new people, learn of the school, and get an idea of what this campus is focused on. I met this boy in my group that I took a liking to. He was a few inches taller than my eye level with an athletic, muscled body. He stood like he cared, with his expression telling how he longed for independence while now out on his own. His short, glossy dark chocolate hair matched evenly with a darker complexion than one would find on someone from the great Northwest. He was dressed in average clothing to compliment this figure: faded blue jeans, a dove gray jacket that covered a vibrant teal blue t-shirt, and black street shoes. At one point, he held an Ipod Touch and was swiftly flipping through pages of information; all of which he literally had at his fingertips. His eyes didn’t make contact with very few individuals until later in the day. His eyes -oh his eyes- his eyes told me so much of what he felt was appropriate in life. On the surface, we see starry hazel eyes in which you can relate to a sunflower at the end of twilight on a warm summer Oregon day. The iris had flecks of gold, brown, and dark green that faded into a dark clover green, all outlined with a deep emerald ring. As you look deeper into those windows, you see a strong, stable mind which still wishes to grow and mature. They were fed up with situations that I had no intention of dealing with, and had a mischievous glow to them as well. He had me sold. Several past thoughts came rushing into my mind, and as I tried to sort them out, I became fearful. I was fearful of my heart growing so attached that the only way out was emotional suicide. A past boyfriend had torn at me for months the previous year, only shredding my love for him more and more as time had gone on. Phone conversations turned into a battle of wit, only ending with heavy burdens and obligations to stay on the line. Loved ones were criticized, passions were mocked, and all I knew was that I was stuck. Ten months with someone tends to get serious in my bosom, and with no experience prior to that relationship, I was flying solo. The fact that my heart was finally strong enough to crush again only had me doubting: could I ever love again? I still was missing parts of my heart – they were hiding from my dreams in reality. I refused to soar until I knew I wasn’t going to cringe and cry again. I avoided contact with this boy and playfully skipped along side my girl friends.

Lunch time came for the new freshmen, and we were forced to play obnoxious games which involved listening, teamwork, and motivation. One game had several different groups together in order to get connected with everyone. We were told to introduce ourselves and memorize the names of the ones around us. I tried to make eye contact with everyone down my line of sight, shaking hands, repeating names out loud in hopes of memorization to kick in, and greeting with smiles in hope of looking innocent. A plastic blue tarp was placed in between the boys and the girls, held by crew leaders in matching polo shirts and beige slacks. We were told to kneel on each side of the tarp, so that the other side was not able to see anyone else. At that point I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my spine and a whisper saying, “you go” as I was nudged toward the mysterious blue barrier. “On the count of three, we will drop the tarp and you then must say the other person’s name before they say yours. Good luck!” My eyes grew wide with an expression overcoming my face that was a mixture of shock and pure joy. Being of competitive nature, I enjoy little games to keep me socially intact. As the polo twins counted down to zero, I took a stance while kneeling of most seriousness and focus. I found myself slightly bent toward the other team, one knee placed slightly in front of the other; a mischievous grin on my face. As the tarp dropped, I had to hold my breath in from shouting at the absolute joy I felt. I was face to face with that sunflower-eyed boy, and he seemed to have the same dumb-minded, comical expression that mirrored my own. His smile covered half his face and his eye brows were raised with excitement over those unforgettable eyes. His body started to rise upward on his knees as he tried to search for words to conquer me with. I was able to catch my breath, only to raise my arm directly out in front of me with a pointed finger to shout his name: [BOY]. He blew back onto the rear of his heels bending shy in defeat as I raised my hands high up over my head to celebrate in a win.

The rest of the game repeated that moment, as girls and boys fought with themselves to win an irrelevant game that would not be of use later. We were told next to grab food that was graciously brought for us. I followed [BOY] to the floor after rewarding my mind with protein and hydration and sat a socially safe distance away from him to talk. I learned that he was from the other side of the country, that he graduated from high school early, that he enjoyed my company (perhaps that was just an observation), and that we would see each other later that night.

[BOY] called later that night and we got together at the talent show. I found myself leaning towards him every so often to whisper an opinion about the performer, or to ask his opinion of the same performer. We made eye contact and exchanged smiles. He had sat close enough in the next seat from me that our shoulders were touching, and when we constantly shifted our bodies we sat so the feeling wouldn’t be lost. I felt like I was back home with my best friends, laughing uncontrollably and feeling comfortable and protected.
For the next few weeks, [BOY] was at my apartment every day for several hours. Classes would end and I’d receive a call three minutes after I had stepped out of dance class. Spending time together led to watching Disney and horror movies, which then led to arm-over-shoulder cuddling, which then led to our first kiss. How gentle we were to each other: his fingers caressed my upper arm as my head laid quietly on this chest. Occasionally his head would come lean down to reach mine, and I’d turn my head just ever so slightly to have my nose against his cheek. I had my knees up on the couch with my heels tucked under my hips with my arms folded across my abdomen. No lines were crossed, and I had found myself a new friend.

My menacing phone conversations from the previous year had me hesitant when it came to my heart. Putting one hundred percent of your heart into someone else can be a lot like suicide. Trusting another person requires several days of preparation for the future, study and observation of their body language, and knowing that no one gets involved thinking it’s going to end in heart break. Experience is a wonderful teacher, and knowing how this boy from Georgia can treat me so well and be so sincere in his actions gives me comfort. I finally realized I can love without doubt again.