Now

It’s only goodbye for a little while.

Thinking back to one of the saddest nights in my memory, I remember crawling around trying to not be a hindrance. It was 2.5 years ago now. He folded white shirts as his friend gave him advice. I sat in the corner, not wanting to be touched by anyone but him, but that wasn’t an option anymore. He had changed in those few hours, and the previous part of the day had really no effect on this night. Eventually, I had to go home. I said my goodbye, got in my car, and cried. As I drove away, I look towards the glass window of his front door, and I see him there, watching me, as if he had followed me to the door and waited until I was gone. I wasn’t to see him for two years.

I was sad. It took a couple months to get a hold of my emotions. I went to school. And I lived. I loved and my heart broke. I ran and I fell. I initiated and came in last. I learned and I gained. I gained so much knowledge from just putting myself out there and learning how other people felt, why the world works the way it does, how my own emotions functioned, and what I was really capable of doing and becoming.

He came back, and we grew together again; the best of friends.

Now, I’m leaving.

He came back to say goodbye. As we said our goodbye, I watched him walk away to go back to school through security. At several points, he turned around to find me, and I stayed there, watching him, until he was out of sight.

Now I’m in these short few days in between him and my next chapter. I got to talking with my mom on what I’m going to do with the next few years of my life. A fire started burning again. I feel alive. I miss him, but there’s something telling me it’s going to be okay. That he and I will never forget one another and who knows what more will take place.

I will work hard and be the best I can in Missouri. I will come home and go straight out to school with my car, housing in place, school schedule decided, and fire burning. I will work at school and I will work at making money and I will work at making something of myself. I will find love and will fall into it so deeply. I will dance again like a silly girl and I won’t care who sees me. And when I do get to this point, he and I will still be the best of friends.

Because we want to be.

It’s only goodbye for a little while.