Differences.

It's so hard trying to be strong for yourself. It's easy to be strong for others, but when it's about yourself, you almost don't want to even try. You want to sit in the blackness of your car, locked inside, where no one can see or hear you cry. The smallest thing will set you off because once everyone around you is feeling better after helping; sacrificing everything in your power, you don't want to bring them down with your own sad emotions, especially when they will be resolved in a night's rest. And so, I get myself alone and I experience my emotions. As Tuesdays with Morrie says, or I may be paraphrasing, you have to release your emotions in able to actually experience them. Love will keep you alive.

August 2008, my best friend left for his 2 year mission. I had just been baptized a month before, and I was about to leave for a state college where I would fend for my religion by my one month experience. In January 2009, I went to a church school instead and I met a boy that changed my life. He became my best friend and I felt safe and whole again. December 2009, he left for his 2 year mission. A month later, I now find myself hanging on to that last thread of hope, having faith that I will be whole again soon. I try turning to Christ and he does help, but I still would love that one person that I can rest my soul on physically. Making new friends is great, and flirting is fun, but when your heart becomes twisted with confused thoughts and misread body language, I fall down again with no one to catch me. I'm in that hole again of loneliness. Everyone else has someone to turn to and I can't fight with it; I would never fight against it, because I know how encouraging and incredible that feels. I would never take that away from a fellow brother or sister. But that doesn't mean I'm not trying to fit in. That I'm not trying to find someone I can rely on.

In the meantime, I'm hoping, wishing, praying, that someone will save me before I crack. I need that extra strength. I can and will hold myself up, but it's always nice to have support. Someone I can trust and that trust's me. I miss you, Deej. I miss you, Case. Serve the Lord will all your heart, mind, and strength, and I know that we'll be reunited again, closer than ever.

These are my thoughts.