I'm not ready.

I don't want to express my emotions to you. Don't you understand that? Every email I receive from you is asking about our future. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. I don't know how to tell you without breaking your heart, and that's the last thing I want to do. Please, please, please understand that I have other things going through my mind. Finally, after months and months of living in the hope of my future, I can finally set my feet on the ground and walk towards the next hour of my life. My accounting class is going to kick my butt, new relationships are roller coasters of good and bad and I wouldn't have it any other way, I feel so strong when I do the right thing, and I love driving and escaping through music. I love begin able to trust others and I'm still trying to be comfortable enough to trust new people. I get kicked down a lot, but I'm not giving up. My past constantly reminds me of how far I've come. I'm staying positive and I'm smiling. I tell myself that they have other things on their mind that require more attention. I know I can't compare my life to others, but my life is CAKE compared to some close friends. I've barely tasted death, no health problems, relationships continue to strengthen me whether or not they turn out the way I want them to, I am able to understand my Heavenly Father more and more everyday and I know He has an undying, unconditional, irrevocable love for me. Through Him, I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to. This is why I am so stubborn. Because I know what I want and how I work. I know how I will react and sometimes I make stupid choices completely accepting the consequences. This is how I live life. This is how I learn. I have been given a gift to know the difference between good and bad and I take full advantage of it.

And so I ask myself this question in the clouds of fear, uncertainty, and undying hope: if I know I can stand so much, why don't I allow others in? Why can't they trust me? What can I change to better myself? Just go. Go. Just do it.

And so, this is why I don't want to email you back and tell you about my future. Although you've been gone a short amount of time, I've already changed very drastically. Please understand me. Please don't write a 3 page letter guilt-tripping me to tell you all about my mind. I don't want to tell you. Go serve others; I'm the best I've been in my entire life. Don't worry about me. If I need something I'll come to you. Don't you dare pull on my heart.