Dip in the Road

"You seem a lot happier lately. It's good to see."

"Well, thank you."

Little do they know, I'm a mess inside.

Because there are things I don't understand.

And there are things that have been scaring me.

But don't you worry. I am making the best I can out of what I am given. Hopefully things inside will go straight again. 

Even in the darkest of moments, the sun is always shining.

Dear Me

You're gonna lose everything if you believe all the lies. So,

The end.

Love, Me.

Safe & Sound

I'm happy you're happy. Your smile and the light in your eyes are reward enough. I love seeing you so high in life.

I took one for the team.

My time will come. Eventually.

And you don't even know.

It's just been one of those days where I just want to sing out my heart and tell everyone how I feel, because simply saying those words won't satisfy.


I want to tell so many people so many things because I feel like I'm not being heard through just existing. I'm at a standstill. I want to help, I want to be included. I almost feel forgotten. No matter how much I give, I don't get anything in return really. I want those friendships back so badly... so so badly.


I went to Music Outlet tonight. It was fascinating. It's such a low key, casual atmosphere where the audience is completely supportive of whoever is on stage. Those performers were volunteers, for lack of a better term, singing out original pieces of music. I listened so hard to the lyrics, because their art is what is going to give them away more than anything. There were quite a few about love. While I really enjoyed that, it got me thinking. And how this relates, I really don't know, but I feel like because I'm not sharing my opinion and my thoughts, I'm being forgotten.


Looking back at other blog posts, this is the least positive post in a while. I've been really good. Now, sharing my opinion doesn't necessarily mean it's negative, but I have this mindset where if I tell what I'm thinking and it's not completely up-lifting, I'm just dragging people down. This quote describes me perfectly right now:

Friends go through so much and because they get so hurt, they shut down. I want so much to be able to be let in and help. How? I don't really know. But I do know human compassion is one of the best forms of making a day hundreds of times better. I want to see you smile. Forget about me then and there.


Honestly, my heart is broken. Not because the boy I loved is gone on his mission, or my best friend and brother has been gone for quite a while, but for much more uncommon reasons. There are people out there, that I could very easily pick up the phone and call right here and now, that I don't think realize or completely grasp how much I adore them, love them, am in love with them.


I fall in love with people very easily. People, not boys. Honestly, rejection is the one thing that hurts me the most. I want to give my all to the people I have given a part of my heart to. I gave them pieces of my heart because I see something in them that inspires me to be better. They may not realize it, or not want to, but when they won't even return a phone call... unfortunately I take it personally most of the time. Now, I realize that everyone has their own trials and events. I understand that life is never easy, and that priorities differ. And I do realize you may be sad about losing something, someone, so close to you that you want nothing more than to drop everything and give yourself to that situation. I've been there. In varying degrees, I do understand. I understand that perhaps, you don't trust me. You don't want to let me in. I understand that. Maybe at least tell me that it won't work out. Closure does help, believe it or not. I love communicating. I love heart to hearts. I love building bonds. And I love, absolutely love, when you smile.


I am and will always be standing right here, waiting. Always. I will drop my life and give you a piece of my time. I hope you can believe that. I will not judge you. I am simply waiting. Because you have your agency for a reason, and I am finally connecting with that realization.


I have always told people that I push them because I see potential in them that I want to shine. While this is true, I do it for selfish reasons, too. I wouldn't be giving you that much of my time if I wasn't inspired to do the same. I'm pulling for you; you should be pulling for me right back. Perhaps pushing is not the right term, but rather hoping and supporting, because love is how people change.


To those friends that I have come to love along the way:
I miss you. So much. And you don't even know.
I miss strengthening this bond. And you don't even know.
I miss your smile and the light in your eyes. And you don't even know.
I miss the way you make me laugh and feel good about myself. And you don't even know.
I miss the open conversation and the beginnings of trust. And you don't even know.
I miss your acceptance. And you don't even know.


I'm okay, but I sure do miss that life. 

Friendship

No matter where life takes us, no matter what happens between us, and no matter what connections are made or unfastened, I'm always here. I promise; you have my word.

Therefore, hold up your light that it may shine unto the world.

(3 Nephi 18:24)

It Happened for a Reason

I really like these quote things lately... can you tell?

Sure, I miss my best friends a lot. Sure, I miss people that were once constant in my life. Sure, I miss experiences. Sure, I miss times I've laughed with others (or at myself for that matter). Sure, I miss feeling certain emotions. Sure, I miss certain events. But guess what? Dr. Seuss is very, very wise.

Service & Love

He's on my mind a lot these days. I don't think I could be more hopeless if I tried. But I know if I focus, everything will play out in happiness.

I missed my best friend today. I walked by his old apartment complex. I couldn't control myself; I burst into a smile that could extend forever. I remember laying on our backs on the stone hard concrete in the middle of his parking lot, staring at the perfect blue summer sky as the wispy white clouds floated by. I remember standing on his balcony, waiting for innocent bystanders to walk by only to pelt them with poorly tied water balloons. I remember getting into that shared car week after week, day after day, only to be taken somewhere better. I remember walking him to the bottom of his stairs after basketball games and saying bye, just for a moment, as returning home would just ensure him to be chasing right after me. I remember wishing for thick rain so I could fulfill a dream, but never being satisfied. I remember his roommates and the friendships in that apartment that I miss so much. I remember so much more, and I just wished he could've been right there with me. I wished I could've turned to my left, catch his eye and say "We had fun, didn't we?". He would reply after a short pause, exhaling gently, looking around and remembering the exact same things, only to say "We had a lot of fun". Then we'd be caught in a moment; that best friend moment where our minds were in unison. Then being the romantic I am, I would probably shove him gently and run away, hoping, knowing, he would come right after me.

It's hard to find a love like that. I found him my first week of college. I found my best friend. He's always been my support and foundation, and I have always been that for him. I couldn't be more proud of him if I tried. Alaska doesn't know what a catch they have.

Worth It.

I have discovered a new toy on the Blogger website! See above this post, below the big picture, a couple of links? I can have free standing pages on my blog! So, for the next several weeks I'm sure I'll be playing with that. I already added an "About Me" page and one about "The Farm". You can learn more about me than you ever thought possible... besides actually talking to me, of course.

Anyway.

Today has been so good, and I don't really know why. Maybe it was because I went to bed at 10:30 instead of 1 AM and woke up at 7 AM only to be productive all day. Who knew actually sleeping would affect your mood? Run to chemistry lab, run home after lab as I forgot deodorant (so important, I kid you not!), Ag. accounting, finish a 2 week long project and find out it was correct (thank goodness), find out I got a 97% on my latest Animal Science exam, talk to nice boy, eat lunch, go to New Testament and watched an amazing video on Christ, go to chemistry and actually understand the content, talk to another nice boy, come home to a wonderfully quiet, relaxing apartment. Actually, ever since I've been home, I haven't really been productive... shhh don't tell. I don't have plans for tonight, but today has been a really good day.

If I keep looking forward, I move forward. If I put out that extra effort, I see it returned and life is so much better.

Oh, and last night I was looking through this new website a friend told me about, called WeHeartIt.com. Look at what treasure I found:

Never forget; never fear.