In Love? Does it Exist?

"Are you in love with anybody?"

...

"I don't think I even know what 'in love' means anymore."

"Yeah, me neither."

I thought I knew. I thought I was there at one point or another. But comparing where I am now to where I was then, it wasn't what I thought it was.

I believe "love" to be a verb. An action. We show we love someone through our actions, and we then develop this charitable-like love towards one another. That love is a state of being. Many people think one has to be "in love" with someone more significant than just a friend for it to mean anything. So, what does to be "in love" mean? Where is the logical explanation or description of it? What does it mean?

Here's a thought. What if being "in love" is just being completely irrational with your feelings and actions, while still holding onto that charity? What if there is no logical explanation for it? What if those feelings of flying through the clouds when they are on your mind point towards being "in love"? Or wanting nothing more than you give them your entire world? You constantly pull out your phone or a piece of paper wanting to share the smallest thing that made you smile, but then draw back in fear of losing what you already have or fear that they won't understand why you appear. You want to know everything about them and you know, oh you know, that what they stand for it want you need, what you want, and you want to go so deep that there is no hope for escape. You are theirs. And you want that. Because they deserve someone to love them unconditionally and wholly, truly and deeply. You know you can give that to them, if just given a chance.

What if you don't want to move on unless they are with you? What do you do if that's not an option? What do you do?

Love is spelled T-I-M-E.

What if love was different than what we thought? What if the term "love" has everything to do with actions and sacrifices and nothing to do with emotion? What if love was something that can't be found, but has to be built?

I ponder the word love a lot, especially being here in an environment where many use those three words loosely and things happen because of it. Quite often, in fact! What I would like more than a bag of Milanos would be someone to love me back; fully, wholeheartedly, and unconditionally. I think about this all the time. There are boys in and out of the apartment, several pretty faces and smiles in the ward, and many still waiting to be found. I talked to an old acquaintance tonight when I handled him a CTR ring to hold as I was leaving an event. He responded sill-ily (is that a word?) and said, "I don't know if I'm ready... I can't propose yet!". He has been dating a girl for a couple weeks. He then shared with me there's a girl in one of his classes that met a guy 2 weeks ago, and are going to be getting married this December. I'm sorry, but I don't think I could do that.

I read love stories and I fantasize about being swept off my feet by Romeo to live happily ever after. I don't really know why because I know I couldn't go through with it. I fell in love once upon a time and would have given almost anything for that boy. He knew me inside and out and we could laugh and talk for hours. But, circumstances got in the way and honestly, I'm glad they did. I wasn't thinking logically. That relationship was built upon lust. I thought he was cute, pursued it, and got a kiss out of it 9 days later. I didn't really get to know him until I started spending time with him, and later the friendship built. But it never really was as strong as another bond I have in my life, and I can't ignore that. I give credit to the fact that I befriended him first, and am slowly taking the path to something more intimate.

I'm sure many of us have felt those butterflies or burst of energy whenever we are around someone special. We instantly jump to "crushing", then to "liking", then to "adoring", then to "loving". What if we went straight from friendship to love? No crush at all, because those flirtatious tendencies were controlled and we thought about this logically.

As I come to know people and view their body language in relationship settings, some take it slow and are more hesitant. Some are putting everything they have out in front right away, hoping someone will appreciate that and fall in love instantly. Well, this is what I think: To love someone, it takes time and patience, understanding and effort, desire and passion, sacrifice and endurance. You don't need to think about them 24 hours a day, seven days a week, but it's be nice if they came to your mind first when you go to call someone. You don't have to share everything with them that comes into your mind, but your dreams and aspirations will be protected. I think one should always be thinking about the other person when interacting: would they want me to ask questions about their day? Would they want me to laugh with them and share in their excitement, even about mediocre things? Do they care about what happened in your life today and would like to hear it from your perspective? Would they care about your opinion in any matter imaginable? Would they take time to just listen when you just need to unwind and talk? Do they smile when you're around? Do they make you want to become a better person; a better version of yourself? Do you feel comfortable being you? Chances are, the answer is "yes" to every question if they love you. Return the favor; see where it takes you.

I have always, always believed that someone should marry their best friend. Looks fade, but that beauty inside never will. Building a trust upon a rock solid foundation will last through anything. They will love you at your best, and they will love you at your worst. At the end of the day, they are the one you want to go home to.

So what is love then? An emotion? No. A thought? Maybe. An everyday, every moment action? I think so.
And the greatest thing about this is when it's done right, you'll know. Because even when things don't go according to plan, you have someone to lean against, looking in the same direction you are. Once you find it, don't let it go. Don't leave the one you love for the one you like. They're probably standing right in front of you. Act or be acted upon. When we act, the Holy Ghost can influence us. I urge you, learn to love. It'll be okay. It's okay.

For you, of course

LDSchurchtemples.com, Oregon Portland LDS Temple

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage." 

-Lao-Tzu

"Tell me who admires you and loves you, and I will tell you who you are."
-Charles Augustin Sainte-Beauve 

"The richest love is that which lasts through time apart to someday be together."
-Anonymous


"Life has taught us that love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction."
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery 

True love can survive anything.

I wrote this a while ago... but I wanted to share it.

Love can be described many ways. In my short life, I have experienced love and lack thereof. I have given my all to someone and have had it returned, and it is one of the best feelings I can imagine. Love can also be of a less romantic nature. Love is always choosing the highest good for the other person. You can love that boy walking down the street. You can love that elderly lady you have never made eye contact with before. At this time in my life, I have a sense of love that I haven't possessed in my past. I can love someone by sacrificing my own needs and putting their's first. I can give an acquaintance a ride home during the night. I can listen and talk and make eye contact with someone who just needs someone, right then and now.

I'm at school. In the month I've been here, I've had my plate full. I've cried from homesickness and loneliness. I've cried from misunderstandings. I've cried for selfish reasons. I've cried from being hurt by others. I've also cried for people who don't understand the greater meaning of life. I want them to come to Him so badly and the fact that they won't take that first step breaks my heart. Also, I have met so many fun, energetic people. New friends from the ward send me random links to share with me what they do in their spare time. I love it. Girls on the field will have short conversations with me about anything and nothing while waiting for the ball to reach this side of the game. One Sunday, a girl looked me straight in the eye and asked if I could give her a hug. With a caring "yes", we enbraced and she said "oh, you're good at this!" Made my day. I sent out a "random love text" and had people respond with "that just made my day! thank you!"

That is what I love. That is who I love.

Loving comes easily when I place myself in the right circumstances. I let go of things I can't control and give them to God. I give myself to Him as best I can and ask Him for help to do so. I'm not perfect; no one is.

A friend shared a certain blog with me. As I read, I felt closer to the strangers on the street as well as this man who has shown a large part of himself to everyone who has access to the world wide web. Bravo! If I had more trust in the human race I may put more of myself out there, but for now, I am a shy little girl who loves her hometown and the people she meets. I don't have blunt conversations without safety nets and I am not rock solid in a lot of my opinions of temporal things. I do have my beliefs which no one can take from me and I do have the ones that matter most to me. Whether they are sitting next to me on the couch right now, or thousands of miles away, they inspire me.

You inspire me. Thank you.

I also love things. This may be shallow. However, the vehicle I drive has many a sentimental value. I drove it while learning with my permit. I took it for my license test. I have driven it all around Oregon and out to school. I have driven it on adventures. I have taken it to scary places. I have taken it to places my heart will never forget. I have had so many loved ones and even strangers in that car, and I can remember vividly many of them. As I turn my head for a split second and gaze at the pocket of air next to me, I see him. I see her. I remember him. I remember her.

I love my ring. It signifies my baptism and the day that would forever change my life. It signifies a friendship that will never die and that I can rely on for eternity to come. It signifies the last couple years of my life and how I will live my future. It testifies of the love and devotion I have for Jesus Christ, his gospel, his church, and the self respect I have.

I love trees. Call me a tree-hugger, I don't really mind. They protect, provide, and prolong my life. Of course, do trees count as something shallow? They are living souls that breathe.

So here's to posts with no outline and medicine for my under-expressed brain. Don't judge me and I promise you I won't judge you. This URL is for me, and me alone. If I can make someone laugh, or feel, or wonder, or love, my heart smiles. If I offend someone, I apologize you took offense. Remember, I love, or will eventually learn to love, you.

Victorious

Olden days of free thinking, break me from this hold

Do you blog owners ever go back and read past posts, maybe a year or even longer ago old? Can you see a difference in the way you think then and the way you think now? It's fascinating, isn't it? I looked back to the beginning of 2009 and read the posts of my first college semester. I was so carefree and in love. I loved the world and everything that came with it. I was blissfully happy. Relationships were fun, school was challenging and creative, and I had started a whole new chapter in my life.

Not to say that I'm not happy now, because I am. I am very pleased with the way things are going. Sure, I have my stresses and I have my down days, but I've got a roof over my head, fresh food to eat, friends to keep me sane, and a family to keep me warm. I've got a car to get around with, pets to keep me company, and internet to keep me connected. I just noticed that over a year ago, I was much more free to express my feelings in my blog. I try to think why this change has happened. It might have been some comments made to me, or it might have been my own imagination not wanting to offend others. Eh, I have no idea. I've noticed I don't write much of that anymore. I'm much deeper, in a sense, which can be bright or dark.

I bring this up because I want to write about it. I want to release it in hopes of putting it behind me. I want to be carefree and in love again. I may not have that boy around right now, but I do have his spirit. I can feel his love and warmth from all the way in Alaska. He's still the understanding, loving, caring, and strong individual I know and love. So here's my start:

So, jobs are hard to come by. My old job won't hire me back because they want a more semi permanent employee, and I leave in 3 months. I've tried many other places in Scappoose, Hillsboro, Beaverton, Portland, and more. Heck, after telling myself for years I wouldn't go flip burgers, I applied at Dairy Queen. I changed my mind when I got desperate. Also, I heard a quote go something like "when I was your age, I saw burger flipping as opportunity". I think I saw it at the senior center or something. Any who, I'll be checking up there again. I have found some success in babysitting! There are a few parents that would like to hire me so at least I'm paying for gas that way. I've been doing yard work for some seniors in town, too. They are so sweet! Old people are awesome!

Besides work, here's my biggest concern (can you tell I'm a spoiled little girl?). Out of the two cars my parents have allowed me to drive, I have to decide which one I want to stick with and take out to school in the fall. I had the 4Runner last year over the Blueberry based solely on the fact I could take more stuff out to school with me. Now, being home and driving my beloved Blueberry, I forgot how much I loved that little car. However, it needs a lot of work done. There's an inch crack in the windshield from last summer that needs to be fixed before we have to replace the whole window, the tires are almost bald, the right leg is bent causing the alignment to be off, the brake pads (I think) are warped, and it needs to be cleaned inside and out. So, besides the cleaning part, this takes money. So give me lots of babysitting, pet sitting, and house sitting jobs! You won't be sorry and it'll be for a good cause. :)

Plus, summer is gone again. It showed up a little last weekend, but I miss it. Oh Mr. Sun, please come see us soon.

Parental Visit

I'm so grateful that I was able to have my parents come out to school and visit me for the weekend! They arrived up here Saturday night after a crazy evening and I just said goodbye to them. I cried, but don't tell them that.

So, to tell the crazy story a little bit, throughout the day on Saturday I would get updates telling me where they were. They were making great time in that new little RAV4. About 6:30, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I answered and it was my mom. I was really confused, because it was a 208 number. She doesn't know anyone in Idaho except Rexburg students, or so I thought. It turns out she was calling from a pay phone. A little bit about this brand new Toyota technology: most of the new models have this thing called a smart key, where as long as the "key" is 3 feet from the car, you can unlock it and start the car without a hard key; you press buttons. Without that "key", the car won't respond at all. Well, while at a rest stop, that "key" got lost after exiting and locking the car. Luckily, they had money to use the pay phone and to call AAA and me. I was on the phone for the next half an hour or so trying to figure out where there was a Toyota dealership still open. Found one in Pocatello, so we had the RAV4 towed there. I made the trip down to Pocatello to pick up my parents and we left the RAV at the dealership. Today, we found out that the "impossible task" of reprogramming a key to the computer of the car is possible, and were able to pick it up today. I made two trips down to Pocatello in 3 days.

Also, while I was on the phone calling dealerships on Saturday, I had forgot about the grilled cheese I was making. When I walked out of the room, my roommates shared a story with me about how the bread and cheese were burning so bad that they were waving the pan around outside to cool off the now black toast. I didn't eat that night.

Anyway, my dad snapped a few pictures while they were here. I have other pictures on my camera which I haven't uploaded yet and I think my parents have even more on their camera that haven't been uploaded yet, either. Here's our Sunday:

Driving around, my dad snapped a shot of the temple. it's such a cool picture because if you look to the right of the temple, there's a white steeple, and down the road, there's another. It's artsy.

My mom could barely pick me up. But I still love this picture.

"Look at the cool bark!"

The apartment. Been here since September and finally get to leave it in less than 3 weeks.

Henry's Fork at Beaver Dick park.

Geoff performed "Come Thou Fount" for us. It was absolutely beautiful and brought such a comforting spirit.

Trish's artwork before Geoff's performance.

The kids. I won't post the pictures after I was kicked and spit on. And I think Trish tried to bite me, too. I love my friends. :)

It's been a great year at school. I still have 2 weeks and a couple days to go, but I am ready to go home. Now it's just up to me to make the best of my final weeks here before heading off to the heartland. I'm going to miss my friends so much, but I know our paths will cross again. 

And you don't even know.

It's just been one of those days where I just want to sing out my heart and tell everyone how I feel, because simply saying those words won't satisfy.


I want to tell so many people so many things because I feel like I'm not being heard through just existing. I'm at a standstill. I want to help, I want to be included. I almost feel forgotten. No matter how much I give, I don't get anything in return really. I want those friendships back so badly... so so badly.


I went to Music Outlet tonight. It was fascinating. It's such a low key, casual atmosphere where the audience is completely supportive of whoever is on stage. Those performers were volunteers, for lack of a better term, singing out original pieces of music. I listened so hard to the lyrics, because their art is what is going to give them away more than anything. There were quite a few about love. While I really enjoyed that, it got me thinking. And how this relates, I really don't know, but I feel like because I'm not sharing my opinion and my thoughts, I'm being forgotten.


Looking back at other blog posts, this is the least positive post in a while. I've been really good. Now, sharing my opinion doesn't necessarily mean it's negative, but I have this mindset where if I tell what I'm thinking and it's not completely up-lifting, I'm just dragging people down. This quote describes me perfectly right now:

Friends go through so much and because they get so hurt, they shut down. I want so much to be able to be let in and help. How? I don't really know. But I do know human compassion is one of the best forms of making a day hundreds of times better. I want to see you smile. Forget about me then and there.


Honestly, my heart is broken. Not because the boy I loved is gone on his mission, or my best friend and brother has been gone for quite a while, but for much more uncommon reasons. There are people out there, that I could very easily pick up the phone and call right here and now, that I don't think realize or completely grasp how much I adore them, love them, am in love with them.


I fall in love with people very easily. People, not boys. Honestly, rejection is the one thing that hurts me the most. I want to give my all to the people I have given a part of my heart to. I gave them pieces of my heart because I see something in them that inspires me to be better. They may not realize it, or not want to, but when they won't even return a phone call... unfortunately I take it personally most of the time. Now, I realize that everyone has their own trials and events. I understand that life is never easy, and that priorities differ. And I do realize you may be sad about losing something, someone, so close to you that you want nothing more than to drop everything and give yourself to that situation. I've been there. In varying degrees, I do understand. I understand that perhaps, you don't trust me. You don't want to let me in. I understand that. Maybe at least tell me that it won't work out. Closure does help, believe it or not. I love communicating. I love heart to hearts. I love building bonds. And I love, absolutely love, when you smile.


I am and will always be standing right here, waiting. Always. I will drop my life and give you a piece of my time. I hope you can believe that. I will not judge you. I am simply waiting. Because you have your agency for a reason, and I am finally connecting with that realization.


I have always told people that I push them because I see potential in them that I want to shine. While this is true, I do it for selfish reasons, too. I wouldn't be giving you that much of my time if I wasn't inspired to do the same. I'm pulling for you; you should be pulling for me right back. Perhaps pushing is not the right term, but rather hoping and supporting, because love is how people change.


To those friends that I have come to love along the way:
I miss you. So much. And you don't even know.
I miss strengthening this bond. And you don't even know.
I miss your smile and the light in your eyes. And you don't even know.
I miss the way you make me laugh and feel good about myself. And you don't even know.
I miss the open conversation and the beginnings of trust. And you don't even know.
I miss your acceptance. And you don't even know.


I'm okay, but I sure do miss that life. 

Service & Love

He's on my mind a lot these days. I don't think I could be more hopeless if I tried. But I know if I focus, everything will play out in happiness.

I missed my best friend today. I walked by his old apartment complex. I couldn't control myself; I burst into a smile that could extend forever. I remember laying on our backs on the stone hard concrete in the middle of his parking lot, staring at the perfect blue summer sky as the wispy white clouds floated by. I remember standing on his balcony, waiting for innocent bystanders to walk by only to pelt them with poorly tied water balloons. I remember getting into that shared car week after week, day after day, only to be taken somewhere better. I remember walking him to the bottom of his stairs after basketball games and saying bye, just for a moment, as returning home would just ensure him to be chasing right after me. I remember wishing for thick rain so I could fulfill a dream, but never being satisfied. I remember his roommates and the friendships in that apartment that I miss so much. I remember so much more, and I just wished he could've been right there with me. I wished I could've turned to my left, catch his eye and say "We had fun, didn't we?". He would reply after a short pause, exhaling gently, looking around and remembering the exact same things, only to say "We had a lot of fun". Then we'd be caught in a moment; that best friend moment where our minds were in unison. Then being the romantic I am, I would probably shove him gently and run away, hoping, knowing, he would come right after me.

It's hard to find a love like that. I found him my first week of college. I found my best friend. He's always been my support and foundation, and I have always been that for him. I couldn't be more proud of him if I tried. Alaska doesn't know what a catch they have.

Love Like Crazy

by: Lee Bruce.

Life advice from the best.

Dear Blog,

Even though he's thousands of miles away and I can't hear his voice, I can still feel his warmth with me constantly after all this time. That's gotta account to something, right?

Love,

Vicki

Love me when it makes no sense at all. ♥

More Inspiration

For those of you that have seen the movie "A Walk to Remember", there's a quote in there that is quite famous. It goes like this:

"Love is always patient and kind, it is never jealous.

Love is never boastful nor conceded, it is never rude or selfish.

It does not take offense, it is not resentful.

Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth.

It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hold, and to endure whatever comes"

In my New Testament class, a scripture was read to us as our spiritual thought. Moroni 7:45, 47. It goes like this:

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seekth not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."

To add my own opinion to these statements, I believe love is to sacrifice.

So my question to you is this: What do you think love is?

Do you believe faith without works is dead?

Who do you love?

How do you show them?

Do they know it?

Is it worth it?

What can you do?

What is love to you?